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Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
(2004)
Dir. By Dwight H. Little
So seriously, it’s better than you’d think. Not to say that it’s a good movie, but it’s definitely in the good-bad category. Here’s why, it borrows more than a little from the more successful brethren of its kind, namely Deep Blue Sea—and come on, if you didn’t enjoy that one, you weren’t paying attention. I have to mention Venom the ‘black mamba in the heating ducts of a house picks off a family’ flick, not because I saw any direct relation, but because I’ve always wanted to reference that movie. Then of course you have the obligatory Jaws references. Then mix in a companion monkey tribute ode to either Every Which Way But Loose or Creepers; I’m not sure which.
Like most successful “action sequels,” as in Terminator 2, Aliens, Rambo First Blood Part Two, Anacondas ups the horror and the action by multiplying the nemesis exponentially. Which usually works in theory, but when the snakes were nowhere to be seen, this script got so desperate for dialogue it resorted to quoting itself. I choose to look at this lapse merely as a reminder that the most important thing the movie was lacking was Ice Cube. They did throw in a pretty amusing splash of color with Eugene Byrd as ‘Cole,’ and really, does watching a brother struggle in the literal jungle ever get old?
If nothing else one might delight in the array of poor man’s actors, ghetto versions of Vin Diesel, Halle Berry, and the chick with the southern accent from CSI Miami, (Really, I don’t see why they couldn’t have just gotten her. I cant imagine it would have cost any more.) attempt to shine in quite possibly their last shot at stardom. Johnny Messner, aka: Vin Deuce, was really the highlight for me, you can just see this guy at home mimicking xXx, and Pitch Black, and he had it dialed in. I was ridiculously excited at first glance of him, remembering that Vin has a twin (gotta love IMDB), and I was hoping against all hope that this guy was going to ride the wave of his bro’s success, eventually soaring past him, for one reason, and one reason only: he has hair. But I’m second-guessing my initial reaction, because a) this guy isn’t related to the main man, and b) I sort of look at Vin as the bald man’s hope. Those unfortunates with receding hairlines make up a pretty substantial percentage of the population. Of course now that V-Dogg opted out of the sequel to xXx to make that heart warmer, The Pacifier, it seems he’s modeled his career path after Arnold. Who sadly destroyed a perfectly respectable run of highlights such as Total Recall and Predator by handing over his man-card for those lame ”feel-good comedies” like Twins and Kindergarten Cop. And let me just say if Vin turns up impregnated on film, I’m fucking writing him off forever. But I would still vote for him for president. That said, maybe his spot as reigning deity in the pantheon of action movie stallions has yet to be cemented, and perhaps could be filled by the likes of Johnny. Only time will tell really, if so, you read it here first.
Bonus points if you can catch the scene where the southern belle loses her accent, and the power suited Halle from NYC miraculously picks it up seconds later. I can’t really recommend the film to those of you who actually have something constructive to do with your free time. But for the rest of us, I’m sure it’s on the discount rack of your local video store.
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