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Hellboy
(2003)
Dir: Guillermo Del Toro
Eh, not so much. This comic book adaptation about a doomsday creature of the netherworld wrought forth by the Nazi’s during WWII, but adopted and raised to be a crime-fighter by a quirky, loving Scotsman has its moments, but overall, it’s loud and numbing. Historical modification is tricky business. I’m pretty sure Spielberg got it right with the first and third Indiana Jones movies, but I saw those movies when I was still a virgin. They might seem silly to a man. This movie is definitely silly. Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade kept it real, blending history and that great big storybook-to-end-all-storybooks with finesse and class. Hellboy has got all sorts of ridiculous occult shit, and paranormal gadgetry, making it feel somehow overstuffed yet stretched to exhaustion. Del Toro is no Ramis, and he’s not fooling anyone with his Ghostbusters wonder-lust. He’s got a good grasp on atmosphere, and he fleshes his characters out nicely through structured revelations, but the movie doesn‘t believe in itself. Aside form a couple of heartwarming scenes, it treats everything like a punch line or a rock-fisted punch. Ron Perlman is fucking cool. Beyond that, why not go outside for awhile. It’s a beautiful day.
I just went outside and it was rad. I skateboarded to the video store to return Hellboy, and I almost got run down by Mike Ditka. He was riding a mountain bike on the wrong side of the street. What a badass. He’s the type of guy who probably had all kinds of sex in his heyday. He was dumb looking too. Nothing but neck and a flattop. Just goes to show you, anybody can get laid. It’s never been any trouble for girls, but dudes get into this trap where they think that there’s no way they are deserving of some pussy, and it’s just stupid. Take it from a man who wasn’t laid until he was almost 21, it’s anybody’s game. If you’re a good looking dude, run with that. If you’re a hobbit, you just have to compile some funny stories (no Monty Python or Tick banter!) and show some confidence. Ladies love that shit. Do you realize that there are people blogging on about the finer plot points of this movie right now?
Check this out:
“What's with Broom’s comment about Hitler’s death? Is he referring to something that happened in the comics or something?”
Re: “I read on here it was in the comics. There was this whole thing about Hitler's brain being implanted into a monkey's body.”
ReRe: “I believe the comic you're thinking of is The Savage Dragon.”
ReReRe: “If you read the bios on the DVD you will find a little more info. Apparently they had a secret war with Hitler after WWII. Kind of like the arms race but instead of armaments, it was occult power.”
I found that on a Hellboy message board, and I gotta say, rerereretarded. Agoraphobics, you need to be out, breathing fresh air and chasing sex. At least try it for a while. If after a year-and-a-half you still can’t get some tickle, fret not, Hellboy 2 will be out in 2006.
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