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Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith
(2005)
Dir. George Lucas
Star Wars fanatics, as lovable and quirky as they are (my personal favorite icon is named Marshall and he leads the Ohio Division of the 501st Garrison), seem to have a lot in common with the Republican party; no matter what stupid fucking move the ‘leader’ makes, they back him up to a blind fault. Apparently no one can admit issues with the film without being kicked out of the club, and doomed to suffer a life of solitude on a remote planet much like I’m sure a Republican who spoke out against any wrong doing might be relocated for a stint at Abu Grab. But having no sort of links to any kind of Sci-Fi Con circuit (or party affiliation)- I’m not afraid to ask the question: Has George Lucas lost his fucking mind?
It was bad enough when he had to fuck with the purity of the primary trilogy during the re-release by adding piss-poor CGI additions, but don’t all the technological advances our space friends have made in the prequels just serve to invalidate Episodes 4-6? If you were to watch them sequentially wouldn’t the gritty but charming nature of Star Wars just look fucking ridiculous compared to Revenge of the Sith? You can’t tell me that Luke Skywalker’s pallid little ass can best Darth after the nimble displays of ferocity we’ve seen in the more recent films. And I’m sorry- why didn’t he make this shit in order in the first place?
Dark Side: Some specific issues with Revenge of the Sith- a partial list:
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°You’d think Lucasfilm could spring for some CGI effects above C-Grade movie level. Seriously, I think I could better with my PC and some bootlegged software.
°Obi-Wan goes up against quite the menacing General Grievous a droid with real innards and a whooping cough who zooms along in a badass all terrain ‘Wheel Bike’, while hunching an inconspicuous giant goofy neon iguana? The flying mutt/ wiener dog Falkor in the NeverEnding Story has more street cred than this thing.
°The so-called tragedy in Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side played out like an annoying set of misunderstandings in a bad Threes Company episode.
°Though Yoda and his faux pig-latin sentence structure were somehow charming in the swamp, when I was 5, this go round, it was just really hard to take. And what’s with the cane/ limp- wait I’m a light-speed assassin shit? Oh, you say it’s The Force that gives him powers in combat? Well why can’t the fucking Force make him ambulatory on his down time?
°Apparently, in the tropical paradise of Wookiee-land, all the Chewbacca’s swing from the trees while shouting like Tarzan? Right, that’s just soooo not tough, and really not what I pictured.
°Who the hell decided to cast Samuel Jackson? Like for one second you believe that man is a Jedi? Can I get a load of Royale-bullshit with cheese? And Jimmy Smits!?! If George really needed to rustle up a discarded NYPD Blue guy, what’s wrong with calling Ricky (sorry, Rick) Schroder, at least he can act.
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The Force: Just to show I gave it a chance, here’s the bright side of this installment- a complete list:
°There were some nice city scenes of space towns, that would fare quite well as screen savers.
°The commercial with Darth having the breath-off with the mongoloid Burger King-thing was funny.
° Oh! And have you seen the latest incarnation of Mr. Potato Head? Darth Tater! Brilliant.
Now note that I’m not some outsider looking in, I grew up with these films not as entertainment, but as an institution, a rite of passage if you will. I owned all the swag, and being the only girl in my click, I played Leia in countless reenactments from my best friends tree house, even though personally I related more to the free-spirited rambunctious Han. However, the flame that was Star Wars in my heart started to die out during the re-release of the originals and by the end of Episode I, the 2-hour video game commercial, it was pissed out entirely. So, I skipped Episode II, but then got a little caught up in all the hype surrounding this ‘final’ chapter. Final for Lucas is apparently the equivalent of a farewell to Cher (no really this is my last tour- I’m just going to keep circling the globe for the next 30 years performing it, so you can see it again next year for the last time), neither it appears can just leave well enough alone. Seeing as the man thinks in 3’s (as in the 3 billion he’s made off nerds and outcasts longing for an alternate reality) I’m sure we’re eventually in for the 7 through 9 series, or better yet -2 through 0. Whichever way it goes, it’s dead to me.
We all want to go back and have a second chance to re-do things, but that is just not how it works. What if Salinger tried to rewrite The Catcher in the Rye, and modernize it with Holden reaching his limit when he just wasn’t in the mood to log-on anymore? Its just not the same, let it be my friend, let it be. As far as I’m concerned Lucas’ business decisions in the last 10 or so years have done nothing but shit all over the originals and any fond childhood memory I might have associated with them. I’m going to write him a letter demanding to be reimbursed for the price of my ticket, and while I’m at it, I’m going to seek compensation for every Star Wars themed limited edition video, t-shirt, pajamas, sleeping bag, action figures, calendars, pop-up book series, and lunch box that I ever possessed, and what kind of a refund check can I expect for a childhood full of lies?
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