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Rats
by Louis Andres
In times of famine, rats flee the empty granaries in the countryside and commune in the filth and safety of the city where they become bigger and meaner. Fueled by greed and commerce, they become city rats–none of this softy bumpkin shit that flies out in the rural areas. Cities have become a baleful mixture of rodents and humans struggling to coexist. Are we, perhaps, not one in the same?
The city rat is know for dependence on the excess of the people it lives near and the subsequent infection of these poor suckers with unspeakably painful and degenerative diseases. Although he doesn’t overtake the actual lodging of the city dweller, the rat burrows holes into any number of residences, taking, without regard, all of what might be available, often including the tastiest treat of an infant’s flesh. Perverse as this may seem, it’s perfectly logical when one exists with complete disregard for the human condition. Selfish little bastards they are, and this is what makes them so successful.
Last Tuesday I went to apply for a job at The Cheesecake Factory. But when I arrived, the manager was woefully rude, symptomatic of a weasel in need of a savage beating. When I asked for an application, he eyed me up suspiciously, “We’ve already had 1,600 people apply for jobs here, guy, what kind of a position you looking for?”
Despite my previous experience in the water filling/plate removal arts, I had no chance at this job. It was reserved for high rollers who command $5.00 an hour, plus tips, from Executive dickheads known to frequent the place. This rat bastard (no, not just a rat, an eternally interned rat) was fixing for his own maquinadora style Mexican restaurant.
In any event, the gangly fuck called me “guy” again, and I threatened to kick him in the nuts if the offense was repeated. This ended the interview, although he did mumble something while escorting me out, and I mentioned, in passing, that I hoped to run into him again someday. The whole episode was abrupt and very damning, resulting in a depression and a “lifetime ban.” These are horrific times for men of any consequence; the rats now maintain minions to do their bidding. A once hectic existence has been reduced to awaiting royalty checks and demanding heads roll when derogation and anger haven’t proven sufficiently fruitful. They’ve also taken to living in foreign countries like Jamaica and Belize, where they pay no taxes and enslave local women for their insatiable pederast’s desires–the result of not infrequent blue blood inbreeding. Choosing to leave the country is another ominous sign, rats are known for their preternatural ability to sense when a ship is sinking.
Anyway, this whole episode became a real eye-opener when I saw a recent poll in the New York Times that said the majority of Americans thought W had done “something” or “a lot” for the economy. When he came to power in his bloodless coup, the college recruiters were half crazed on speed, Nodoz and cocaine; working 22 hours a day; stabbing each other for any half-wit scheduled to graduate that semester. Now a Business School graduate with a 3.78 GPA and an Economics graduate with a 3.23 are lead to believe male prostitution is their only viable source of income. Now that we’re “sacrificing” to afford more money to a military, rife with weapons that don’t fire, chemical suits that work 20% of the time and that, when audited by the GAO, could not account for one trillion dollars. That’s 1,000,000,000,000 fucking dollars that slipped into pockets of Generals and Lockheed Martin Executives. Do you know how many cocks I would suck for a trillion dollars? But I digress. I’m missing the point amidst a reverie of cock sucking and bank accounts.
What I am saying is that this ineptitude ceases to be funny when it’s taken in perspective. According to The Economist, 22 thousand Americans die every year because they cannot afford health insurance or hospital bills. Nonetheless, people fretted endlessly because Iraq had a missile that could travel 93 miles (if it were only 200 times more powerful it might reach American waters)!!! The average American has come to view him or herself with a certain prestige at the sorry moment in history, in which, he has also come to love the Rat. Indeed, he has come to believe that he needs, and have always needed, the Rat. Just watch the news as torrents of functionally illiterate Americans are asked their opinions regarding what W and the “brain trust” should do, while the intellectual and informed minority scream behind soundproof glass, taunted for speaking in an “unclear” manner to those who have spent the better part of their “learning years” drunk, watching TV or experimenting with teenage pregnancy, and hating those goddamn hippies! Yee haw! We’re in the good old US of A, number 1 goddammit!
To be brutally honest, democracy demands a certain amount of education that the average American simply does not possess. Thus, at best, America is a plutocracy and at worst…well you can’t fall out of a ditch… For that reason it is time we look at other options, including a benevolent technocracy, where the simple are left to toil in similar jobs, with the benefit of a person of some intellect at the helm. It would require only a slight streamlining.
By admitting the whole democracy deal was a nice idea but woefully impractical (como el comunismo?), we might cut out the lobbyist and, at least, maintain a dint of concern for Americans beyond the 15 thousand who own and run all aspects of the country. It’s cool to be a half-wit, Rat-loving blue collar “man” who watches NASCAR, receives all his or her news from People, watches 8 hours of VIP and Steven Segal reruns daily, suffers from chronic obesity and COPD, loves Jesus and bombs, hates gooks and fags, and obsesses over the cleanliness of his family-debt ridden boat and Magnum V8, just fucking admit it! And leave your freedom to more capable hands, and don’t worry, you can thank me later.
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