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The Dander Zone:
Otters
by Andrew Hume
Welcome to my animal column. Gather up some sawdust and make yourself comfortable. I’ll even let you take off the lampshade if you promise to stop messing with that leg wound...Hey, get that pencil out of your mouth...Yeah, I know it’s cute, as if you’re going to help write this, ha ha, clever...Please, though, just sit there for a second and listen. We’ll go roll in turds when I’m done. Okay...
I otter tell you about one of my favorite animals. Okay, here’re some hints: They’re brown, generally live in coastal areas and use a pungent musk to attract their mates. They have strong, bright white teeth and an oily sheen that helps to dispel water...No, not Rick Fox! I’m talking about otters.
North America has two different kinds of otters: sea otters and river otters. Yeah, they look pretty similar, but they do different stuff. If you’ve ever seen pictures, you’ll know that sea otters stare into the camera, with a concerned, almost frightened look as they clutch their sleeping pups in their arms, and river otters giggle loudly as they slide down mud paths into the water, looking at the camera only briefly, with a wink and a smile.
If I told you that sea otters lived in forests, you’d probably be like, “Yeah, nice try. I’ve got a forest right here for ya, guy…It’s called my fist!” Well, they do live in forests! But, the funny thing is (and here’s a joke to play on your friends), they’re actually kelp forests. Kelp is stuff like leaves that grows in the ocean. So, it’s not like you thought; they’re not climbing up trees and eating figs. They couldn’t anyway, on account of their large flipper-like back legs, but if they could, they’d probably shit themselves. Trees are so high up!
Sea otters spend almost all of their time in the water. The kelp forests allow them to stay relatively safe from predators like sharks and assassin whales, so they can float around on their backs and eat urchins all day. Sometimes they’ll dive down below the kelp in make-believe adventures about helping to defuse a bomb for Lethal Weapon 5. They get real wet! But their thick-ass fur keeps them warm by trapping tiny air bubbles next to their skin.
River otters, on the other hand, spend quite a bit of time on land. They live in dens that they make out of hollow trees. On occasion, however, one might steal a den or burrow from another animal. River otters are total assholes sometimes! You’ll forget about that, though, when you see them wrestling around and playing with each other. Trust me, it’s cute. You’ll want to pet and hug them. Don’t! They’ve got strong jaws and sharp teeth that can bite through bones.
The book I got from the library, Otters, by Adrienne Mason doesn’t say if a sea otter and river otter have ever met. They’re pretty different, so I doubt if they’d even notice each other. It’s sort of like how the Irish aren’t really people.
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Volume 2, Issue 1 contents |
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