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The Dander Zone
Equus Asinus Drops it Like it’s Hot
by Andrew Hume
It’s no secret that the some of the world’s greatest specimens of ass come from the African continent. As a child of the small town Midwest, I was never able to truly appreciate premium ass until my move to Southern California. We had some ass back in Illinois, for sure, but it was mostly the skinny, overworked farm variety. I used to be of the “you’ve seen one ass, you’ve seen ‘em all” school of thought, until my mind was expanded by the glory of full-color magazines and some “man of the world” travel shit.
A member of the African Wild Ass family, the Somali Wild Ass is a stout and vigorous variety, and I was lucky enough to peep that ass in a quasi-natural habitat. You see, the San Diego Wild Animal Park produced an ass baby just last year. I sat down with the park’s veterinarian, John Alborn (he cares for all the lame asses), to discuss these beautiful creatures. We chatted near the African Safari section of the park, while the animals engaged in all kinds of ass play nearby.
Somali Wild Asses grow to be approximately fifteen hands in height. They look similar to the tamed ass of North America, though their legs are distinctly striped, somewhat like a zebra’s. They are extremely resilient animals, surviving primarily on the sparse shrubbery of their native Somalia and Ethiopia. At the animal park, however, they are among Dr Alborn’s favorite animals, so any extra treats he has go straight to the ass.
Female Somali Wild Asses reach sexual maturity between the ages of two and four. Now, to us, this may seem quite young to be engaging in ass sex, but animals mature much more quickly than we do. Their gestation period is twelve months and foals are usually weaned after about four months. They travel in big ass herds of about ten to fifteen, led by a senior mare.
Unfortunately, the Somali Wild Ass has been hunted near extinction, and we are in danger of losing some of the finest asses to have ever been. I know…What? They eat ass? Yes. Eating ass is considered to be a delicacy in some cultures. Not only is the meat enjoyed, but ass fat and blood are used to cure a variety of ailments. As there are only approximately two thousand of the Somali variety left in the wild, it has been suggested that villages domesticate single animals and tap that ass for blood when necessary, rather than obliterating all ass.
There is, quite simply, not enough ass to go around. So, for our part, we here at the magazine are putting together a Wild Ass party to raise money to save them.
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Volume 2, Issue 3 contents |
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