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Remember that time you went on a date with that girl from the warehouse you worked at, and you got all drunk and made an ass out of yourself, then blacked out and woke up face down in the jail’s bathtub? Well, since you’re such an asshole of a boozer, next time it happens you’ll probably have to spend a little time at County. But don’t fret; you’ll be prepared to hit the hetero dating scene this time.
Romance can be difficult. You’re right about the booze; it helps to lighten the mood a little, but Fran suggests you lay off the Evan Williams. Sure, it’s cheap, and even made it into Wine and Spirits’ coveted “Top 10 Best Buys”, but the high content shit is what got you here in the first place. You’re in prison now; you’ve got all the time in the world–slow the courting down a little and add a touch of class with some wine. You’ll have to make this shit yourself on the cold, dusty floor beneath your stinking-ass bunkmate that wants to talk about fucking cars and tattoos all day, but what else are you going to do with your time, go to school?...What?...Bullshit. Really? Your GED, huh? Fucking square.
Equipment:
•1 large jar (1 gallon)
•rubber band
•Saran Wrap
•grape juice
•sugar (lots)
•yeast
•shiv
Directions:
•Put grape juice and sugar in jar, stir with hand to dissolve.
•Sprinkle yeast on top and cover with Saran Wrap, leaving a little slack to allow air to expand. Fasten with rubber band to seal tightly.
•Let it sit for a month or so, while you learn the chords to “More Than Words” on the harmonica.
•You’re bored now. Try punching the bars a little, maybe make a list of every word you can remember, or play a game with your bunkmate about the cutest moments ever on film.
•Try to brush the meth off your teeth.
•When Saran Wrap bubble expands, your wine is fermenting, let out air when full.
•When it no longer fills, fermentation is done! Taste it to see if it’s sweet enough, you can always add sugar to taste.
•Malt wine is a rarely explored ghetto in Drunkville, take caution. Your product’s going to be really sweet and gross. Have you ever pissed, barfed and shit your bed all at once? No? Well, consider it a vacation. While planning your meal, keep in mind that prison wine doesn’t really complement anything other than salisbury steak and silver spray paint.
Don’t worry, kid, you haven’t spent all this work in vain. Jail’s rough, you gotta, like, clean your boots and sweep and lose at chess all the time. The night is young and ripe with romance. Remember when Tom would dress a clothespin up like a slutty little mouse to lure Jerry into the District of Boner? It’s gonna be like that. Inmate #176942, or, D Money, the starting small forward for the Jefferson County Correctional Facility Fighting Coveralls basketball team suggests a surefire lay. Her name’s Fifi, and she’s been fucking American prisoners for years.
Equipment:
•sexy rubber glove
•sexy hand soap
(I know, what hand soap isn’t sexy?)
•sexy hand towel
•sexy sock
Directions:
•Lie out towel and place glove on it, leaving 1/2 inch of glove opening off the edge of the towel.
•Roll up towel, as you would sweetroll dough.
•Put sock around the towel to hold it together and act as Kegel muscles. Vary sock to match your type (white=white, black/brown=black, frilly=debutante, striped=bruised girl–you know, the reason you’re here).
•Squirt hand soap into glove.
•Stash in anal cavity to smuggle around the house or to your workplace bathroom for added excitement.
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