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An "Ex"cuse to Mingle
Backed by popular demand, our interview column about newly single people has returned! Carrie recently broke up with her boyfriend. She came to Fran to begin healing and dish some dirt on her ex. It’s cathartic. She’s looking for a special man (or very old boy) to make her feel giddy and comfy, all at once. It’ll be easy to nab her if you’re perfect. Sometimes perfection requires only a bit of hair polish and not being a shithead all the time. Interested? Send her an email to personals@franmagazine.com.
Carrie lives in Ann Arbor, MI, where she does something with marketing. Her favorite food is shrimp, but she’s allergic to it: “How lame is that?” Her favorite author is John Dos Passos: “What the fuck? Everyone seems to have forgotten about him.” Her favorite vacation ever was to Venezuela, and her least favorite was the one discussed in the interview.
So, what happened with you and Alex? I totally thought you guys were going to get married?
Actually, I think it’s a marriage that fucked the whole thing up. We went to his brother’s wedding, and he got all weird.
They say going to a wedding can really put a strain on a relationship.
Well, the dudes that say that are right.
What do you mean about him getting weird? Like, he was all emotional and wanted to get married? Or he got freaked out about your relationship—that it was moving too fast or whatever—and wanted to end it?
I don’t know, really. And he wouldn’t say. I think it was, like, the fact that his brother was getting married made him think that he had to make up his mind about me—whether he’d want to stay with me forever. Which is really retarded because we’d only been dating for like six months. I mean, we were super close, had said we loved each other and all, but it hadn’t gotten to that point yet. I mean, marriage? C’mon. And it’s like, “Give me a break, dude. You’re 26-years-old. This isn’t some fucking teen movie.” Then he sorta lost his shit the next day…
What does “lost his shit” entail, exactly?
Uh, well, the day after the wedding—it was on the beach; we were staying at his uncle’s house—I saw him out in the water. We were really hungover and had had a bit of a fight the night before—like right in the middle of the wedding. (Laughs) Anyway, he’s out in the water, and as the waves are coming at him, he’s punching them and looking all mad. I’m sitting up on the beach next to his mom, and she looks over at me with a, “What the fuck is with Alex?” kind of look. I shrugged my shoulders, “Don’t look at me.” But I decided I should check on him. So, I walk out into the water, and I start to hear—as I get nearer—he’s yelling shit at the waves as he’s punching them. Like, “What?! I don’t know!” and “This is making no sense!” It was weird and super intense. (Laughs) It sounds really funny repeating it, but it was totally creepy at the time. I decided not to check on him, but went up to the house and had some beer instead.
That sounds like a good idea.
Yeah, well… I was sick of dealing with everything. It’d been a rough couple of days. Half of his family hated me because of our argument during the wedding, and Alex was extra pissed because his mom took my side in the whole thing. So I decided to get drunk.
How drunk did you get?
I didn’t really get too far. Alex came back up from the beach a couple hours later, and I was hanging out with his loser cousin watching (laughs) The Real World, ironically, when the shit hit the fan. He started yelling about how I was ungrateful and fucking crazy. And I was like, “Whoa. Let’s not start in on who’s crazy here, pal.” And we just yelled back and forth… To make a long story short, we broke up, and I had to hang out with my brand new ex-boyfriend and his family for the rest of the day because my flight didn’t leave for another five hours. And, of course, I sat next to Alex on the plane.
Oh, jeez, that sucks.
Uh, yeah.
I bet dinner was fun.
Yeah, I had dinner by myself out on the deck. Funny thing, though… (Laughs) After the fight and breakup, I went back and watched TV with his cousin. I sat down, and he goes, “You know, I always thought you were really hot.” It was funny and made me feel better after all the yelling and crying. I don’t know if he was serious or not, though.
So it’s back to the singles bar scene for you, huh?
I guess so. That’s where all the good ones are, right?
What are you looking for in a man?
I don’t know. Nothing in particular.
Do you like nice buns?
Yeah.
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Marrying Young is Awesome!
by Chad Collette and Mrs. Chad Carver-Collette
Enjoying a piece of double-deep chocolate fudge cake in the park with the pigeons. Catching a quick smoke in the backyard of your parents’ house. Sure, we all have our “guilty pleasures”. Maybe Loreen’s and mine don’t quite match your idea of “guilty”, but we can all be assured that it’s part of human nature to store within our hearts a bit of “naughty delightment”. Many of you may be confused when I refer to “guilty pleasures” as “naughty delightments”—you have every reason to be. You see, one of my personal guilty pleasures is using the “thesaurus” mode on Microsoft Word and passing it off as my own intellect.
By now you may realize that I overuse “quotation marks.” “Guilty.” “And pleasure to meet ya.” Don’t worry, that’s not the point. The point is we all have our own peculiar habits. Why, just the other day I met a man who shared with me his “deleterious partaking”. After much cajoling and prodding (both thesaurus words) I convinced him that it would be our little secret. You see, he has a soft spot for Hot Pockets. Thus creating a soft spot where he’d prefer rock solid abs. “Guilty!”
And don’t get me started on snacking. I sure do it a lot. My neighbor, Ben, jokes with me that my driveway is paved with Rocky Road because I eat so much of it. I tip parking attendants with Necco wafers. My dog? I ate him. This favorite pastime of mine even follows me into the bedroom. When we get to feeling sexy, my wife’s hair becomes licorice strings; her nips, Nips; and her spine is made of Toblerone. She menstruates Cadbury creme.
So then, if we all share in these habits, why do we feel so guilty? Tom Hanks, himself the star of many a guilty pleasure, has been known to cosset himself, too. (Don’t get my wife started on her “You’ve Got [cramps and] Mail! weekends” when she spends the whole day under the covers “cheating on me” with a couple of guys named Ben and Jerry.) Mr. Hanks likes Hugh Grant movies and malted milk balls. He used to be shamefaced about it all, secretly stealing away to public restrooms and dark alleys where he could enjoy his “in-the-wrong inclinations” unnoticed. One afternoon, however, in a fit of gluttony, Hanks began surfing Hugh Grant fansites on the web. He discovered that, in certain films, Grant was credited as “Hughie Grant”. How silly! he thought to himself. It took him over the edge [of reason -ed]. He was finally able to accept himself and his cheeseball tendencies. It’s what Loreen likes to call a “Dr. Phil moment”. Things began to change for Mr. Hanks. He threw a spritzer and sweatpants party, pigged out on malt balls and went bicycling with Oprah. He’s so totally over it now. Embrace the chaos, he says. Now that he’s become a world-famous producer, Hanks is literally his own boss—he’ll indulge himself if he wants to. “Bon-bonzai” is his new motto.
If Hanks can get over it, why can’t we? Contrary to popular belief, the “angel” side of our personality, which resides on our left shoulder, is actually quite attracted to the “devil” side of our personality, which resides on our right shoulder and looks like John Lovitz. They need each other—just like me and my Missus (though neither of us will admit to being the little red guy).
We all know the word ADDICTION. OK, I actually don’t, but that’s why there’s the thesaurus. Habit, compulsion, dependence, obsession. You get the idea. Don’t let your guilty habits turn into “compulsive dependent habits with obsessions” a.k.a. addictions. Start off with something harmless, like a good Saturday Lifetime movie starring a 90210 guy (re-cast as an—eeek!—wife battering, lunchdate rapist), a game of solitaire with naked lady cards or a miniature Snickers. Before long you’ll be a guilty pleasures zen master: walking naked around the house, a few extra cherries on your sundae, shaving your legs and bikini line and pretending you’re pregnant by Sam Malone. We all do it. I guess it is what makes us human. Our imperfect state of being is not something to shy away from. Accept yourself for who you are. Go out there and do what you want. Who knows what’ll happen. Or, as the taxi driver in Sleepless says to little Jonah as they pull up to the Empire State Building, “There it is. What are you gonna do when you get up there? Spit off the top?”
Maybe, taxi driver, just maybe. |
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Describe, for the tape, what the wedding picture [taken at the chapel] looks like right now.
Here it is! There’s a Jake Plummer [quarterback for the Denver Broncos] head pasted over yours.
Under that, is my head crossed out?
Yes. Not by me, by my co-workers. I look great. You have an “x” over your face and you’re wearing a grey t-shirt and jeans.
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Divorcing Young... ehh
by Sam Kuhlmann
Shannon and I were married in Las Vegas because we thought it’d be funny. And it was. It was funny to see the marriage certificate with one address in Los Angeles, California and one in Commerce City, Colorado. It was funny to tell our blackjack dealer, “Well, actually, Dirty Ray, we don’t have any plans to live together.” It was funny that the only wedding presents we’d received were sample-sized packages of laundry detergent and ladies’ deodorant. It was funny. However, it apparently takes more than funny to keep even a casual marriage going. A couple of months later I was in the Los Angeles County Courthouse forking up three times what we’d paid for the wedding for its dissolution. It had been the plan all along to eventually take care of it, but because of a hyperactive yearning to be around my wife, coupled with the fact that she wouldn’t let me get her pregnant, (not even with a preemie) we decided it would be best to end our matrimony as soon as possible, before it ended our friendship.
A divorce takes six months to process in the state of California. Today I filed the form that officially ends the union. Freedom? I’m truly kind of sad to let go of my fake marriage. Shannon agreed to let me interview her in hopes of getting at which of us was to blame for this untidiness, and I think it’s making both of us nervous. We’ve agreed to try and keep things light, but I’ve had ”Please Don’t Go” on repeat all morning, and I’m generally prone to little slips of earnest emotion. She’s tougher than cowboys and has always reserved the right to hang up on me, tell me to fuck off or fall in love with me all over again. That’s why I married her in the first place. Naww, kidding, we just thought it’d be funny.
[Best if read with butterflies in your stomach-ed]
Sam: Alright, honey.
Shannon: I can’t believe you talked me into this.
So, this is about the third time we’ve attempted this interview. Why did you feel you had to be drunk for this?
It’d be a hell of a lot more entertaining if I were.
Are you nervous right now?
I’m trying to keep my mind off it. I’m multi-tasking right now.
You’re playing solitaire, aren’t you? You used to make me really nervous. I remember not being able to eat around you.
Yeah, then you found out how much of a bitch I am, and now you’re okay with it.
I always knew.
What? That I’m a bitch?
Yeah.
And now you hate me?
No. It‘s one of the things that attracted me to you. I thought I could handle it better, though.
We found out you can’t.
So what else went wrong with our marriage?
Honestly, I think it was the distance and the fact that we argue every time we’re around each other.
Why is that? I don’t argue with anybody. Do you argue with everybody?
No, just you.
That’s not good… or maybe it’s really good? So let’s figure out a percentage for the placement of blame.
5% you. 95% me. I would say, wouldn’t you?
Wow. I would have given myself much more.
Really? Well let’s go 50-50.
Deal. Which of us do you think is more stubborn?
Me.
I’ll agree with you there.
And you’re more emotional.
Yeah, actually the next question I have is why the fuck am I so needy?
(Laughs) That’s something you’re going to have to answer yourself.
I don’t think I want to know. How much do you miss me?
Well, now that I haven’t seen you since—when was it? That one night in Denver?
Yeah, when we had the really boring dinner. Hey, I can hear you typing in the background.
No, I wasn’t typing.
Isn’t it cool being as tall as we are?
No. For boys it’s cool, for girls it’s a little awkward. Especially when you tower over most of the guys you’ve been cheating on your husband with. (Laughs) That was off the record.
What’s it like getting back to the singles scene after all these… weeks?
Tough. It was hard explaining my wedding ring.
You still wear it?
It broke.
I still have mine. I think it’s changed colors.
Did it turn your finger green?
Well, I didn’t really wear it much.
I want it back.
Hmmmm…
That was like twenty-five dollars. Mine cost you twenty-five cents.
If we get married again I’ll give it back.
That’s bullshit. If we’re getting married a second time it better be for goddamn real.
When do you think that’s going to be?
Several months. You have a lot of growing up to do.
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